It was six in the morning on June 6th, 2008 when I finally decided that I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I had finally had enough pain. I was broke, out of dope again, homeless, hungry and lost. I had no one left to call as I had disappointed, lied to and probably stole from everyone that loved me. Yet, I picked up the phone and called my mom for help. This time, unlike countless others, she answered and agreed to rescue me from myself with the condition that I stay clean and sober. I had no idea how to not use drugs or drink as it had become the only life I knew. I was physically, mentally and emotionally broken.
I had finally hit my bottom and it was a very dark place. In was in that darkness that I realized I was not living or even exiting in fact I was barely surviving. I went from being a full time mom, college student, daughter and productive member of society to being a criminal, thief, prostitute, IV drug user and a source of grief and embarrassment for all who loved me. I ruined one relationship after another; traded homes, cars, clothes, jewelry and anything I could get my hands on for one more high. I no longer had the ability or desire to be a mother and so I chose drugs over my children in the end. I lost or traded everything that I loved, but most of all I lost my self-respect. I had done so many terrible things that I did not think redemption was possible. I could never forgive myself for what I had done to my family and I could not look myself in the mirror without being repulsed, so how could I ever ask anyone else to forgive me. I came to Florida will literally the clothes on my back.
I detoxed the hard way on my mother’s couch. I wish I had gone somewhere for a medical detox as it was unfair of me to put my mom and my oldest daughter through the horror of watching me go through that process. Once well enough, my mother asked me if I wanted her to find me one of those “funny” meetings I used to go to so I could stay clean and sober. I had been to a treatment program a year and six months prior to this and had managed to put six months of clean time together but I hadn’t taken the program seriously nor did I do any real work. This time I decided to go to the Anonymous meetings and do whatever it took to stay clean. I pushed past the guilt and shame and continued to go to meetings, got a sponsor and worked the 12 Steps. I chase my recovery like I chased my dope.
In the beginning, the only place I felt safe was in a meeting because I knew as long as I sat there I would not use. Doing the step work helped relieve me of much of the guilt and shame. Though there are still times when I look at my children and wonder how they were able to forgive me for turning my back on them. They are just happy to have their mommy back. My life today is amazing and filled with blessings. I have a great relationship with my mom and children.
I work in the recovery field where I am blessed to be surrounded by addicts and alcoholics who are clean and sober. I get to help someone every day and by doing that I stay clean another day. I have started making amends and will continue to make them as long as I stay clean. I could never have imagined that my life would be so wonderful. If someone you love or you yourself have addiction issues please know that happiness is possible. Recovery is possible and no one is hopeless.
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