I abused alcohol and tried crystal meth and cocaine. I’m two years sober. Most of the time when I drank I was depressed. I would abuse alcohol to cope and I would mask my emotions. OK a little bit about myself. I have 3 brothers and 1 sister. I’m the second oldest. I didn’t meet my father ’til I was 21. My mom she’s always been a hard worker. So she was always working. My step-dad was on workers comp but he wasn’t really there for me. So growing up I was always treated differently and or I wouldn’t get enough attention from my step-dad. So over the years I was never alone but always I felt alone, I always felt empty. Growing up I was always the loner. But that all changed after I left high school. I tried filling up that emptiness that I been feeling. I thought if I had a lot of friends (and I had a lot of friends or so I thought at the time) and if I was always out in the loudest party that it would drown out that feeling of emptiness.
I was always trying to be at every party. I was trying to please people so that they would like me. I was always trying to fit in. I was always trying to out drink everyone. I was always getting into bad relationships. I was getting sucked in deeper and deeper into this lifestyle. When I was 22, I was desperate to make more money than I was making. I wanted an expensive, luxurious lifestyle like in music videos. I wanted something where I would be done withe course fast so I could get to the part of making money. Selling drugs was also an option that I thought about. I remember seeing this news ad for a school that is now closed, ICDC college. So I looked at the career jobs they had available and the one that stood out to me was alcohol and drug counseling.
I don’t know about you but I now believe that every happens for a reason. It wasn’t my turning point but it certainly started something within me. If I never got into that class, let me just say that my life would have been a lot different today. I didn’t realize it at the time but I see how much it did changed my life and for that I am grateful. It was as if God chose me out of the sea of people. A couple months ago I was thinking to myself why did he choose me? Why me? I was ready to be crack dealer, I was abusive of alcohol, I was a bad son to my mother, I never graduated from high school. Then I realized that he was looking at my heart and what I could become. I went to school for a year at ICDC, was done with the program. I did my internship in two different places.
The first one was P.I.P. (people in progress) inpatient treatment. The second one was V.I.P. outpatient treatment. Both of the facilities closed down. I remember sitting in the group meetings and I wouldn’t speak, I would just listen. It didn’t sink in to me that if I kept living the way I was living that I was going relive the same things that these individuals lived through. I thought nothing was wrong with me. I thought “well I’m nothing like these people”. That’s where I was wrong. The addiction is just tip of the iceberg. But I didn’t see it that way. I stopped going to the meetings and I gave up on trying to be a counselor. All those meetings that I attended were not wasted because a seed was plated within me. I saw and heard too much that I started to watch my drinking every time I went out. Slowly but a surely I started to leave it behind. One step at a time. One day at a time.
I started noticing less people calling or texting to hang out. I’ve lost great friends because of my temper and my paranoia, which were only handful but I lost way more friends when I was starting to get sober. It wasn’t until I had my spiritual awakening that I fully became aware of myself. That’s when I went sober for good and still remain sober today. So I thought I had everything planned out. I had plans of becoming a fire fighter. I took a fire science class but thought about how much it was going to cost me. So I was like, “I’ll just join navy and have them pay for the schooling”. But God had already something planned for me. I remember studying really hard for the ASVAB test. I was ready to sign up. The day that I went to sign up, I went 15 minutes before the recruiters were suppose to be there. I noticed only the Marine recruiter showed up. I asked him about the navy recruiter and he told me that the navy recruiting was relocated. I find the address and I go there. Only to find the navy recruiter was not in, only the army recruiter was there.
So I waited for about 45 minutes and no navy recruiter. I was able to get a hold of his number, called him several times and no answer. I left a voice mail but never received a phone call. I took it as a sign. I started to focus on myself more. It’s funny I use to hate being alone or having that feeling of being alone. Now I’ve come to love being alone that it has become so addictive. Being alone is what really got me thinking about myself and learned new things about me and learned old things about me. I stopped seeking attention from people. I stopped seeking love from people. I stopped seeking acceptance from people. I stopped seeking happiness and joy from people. I learned to self-love, self-accept. If I don’t love myself? Who will? If I don’t accept myself then I don’t love myself completely.
We have to learn to love the good side of us and bad side of, the part that makes us shameful and accept it. We have to learn to love ourselves, then we can heal our world as we did with ourselves. I didn’t change, I went back to who I was before the world, before society told me who to be, what to wear, what to eat, what dress like, how to think. I use to blame the world, God and people for my shortcomings. In this busy, fast paste world, I never stopped and thought about the man I was becoming. I did stopped slowed down and thought.
I want to be a man of character and value. I want to help others succeed and gained their life back. In doing this thought process I learned to take life one day at a time and that everything is temporary so we have to remember to live, breathe, laugh and dream on while we are here.
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